camille tango

With the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show coming up soon, I decided to do a post on confidence. I get a lot of questions as to how & where I get my ego & my over-confidence. Truthfully, I don't know where to start because this is how I was raised my whole entire life by a mother who's equally egotistical & overly confident, & she taught me this powerful energy in many different ways & how to use it to weaponize myself. 

My mom raised me to believe that for as long as anyone hates me, at least I'm smarter & more successful than them, & nothing negative that anyone ever says to & about me is valid because you can't talk shit about someone that you're not even doing better than, & in today's day, age, & economy, doing better than someone means that you're educated with a degree in something relevant, have a good-paying job, & are financially stable. That's just to start off. Everything else that you have & do in your life on top of that from cool hobbies to other achievements to being able to afford to do & buy things that not everyone can is extra, & if you have ALL of that, then you have everything. I think that because I was able to achieve all of this, it also contributed to my ego & over-confidence. The fear of being average & like everyone else always scared me because not everyone turns out successful or fortunate enough to have their life made & turn out exactly the way that they planned it. There's truly nothing more sure, "forever", reliable, bold, intimidating, powerful, assertive, & authoritative than being educated & successful. 

Aside from being successful, my mom raised me to endure the highest level of negativity, both at home & in the outside world. Being bullied in grade school never phased me, & I want to thank my mom for helping me with that. I don't take things that people say seriously, & I can take damage because I can cause damage, way better than anyone & everyone. Situations always favor me as well because of me being more successful than those who talked about me in grade school, & even now, so people can't find anything to insult me with because I don't put myself in situations where people have room to talk. 

I was fortunate enough to have grown up on ego & confidence, but you can also build it up in many other ways. Here are some other ways I've built mine & some advice on how to build yours, too: 

• My first piece of advice is to first get your life order, so that, like I said, people won't have room to talk negatively about you, especially if they're not doing better than you. 
• Think about celebrities. Kim K. has had her sex tape released for fuck's sake, & she's still one of the most loved, powerful, & influential women in the world. Trump's one of the most hated people in the world, but he's also one of the richest & also one of most powerful people in the world. He receives slander from both normal civilians to celebrities to even other people from office, & he truly doesn't give a fuck because if he did, then he wouldn't say & do a lot of the ignorant & fucked up shit that he still continues to say & do. Think about how a lot of celebrities go through negativity, slander, embarrassment, etc., but then everyone forgets about it so fast because there's something new about someone else to talk about the next day. It doesn't last. 
• Take something that you're confident in like a hobby or something, & apply that same energy to the things that you aren't as confident in. 
• Recite affirmations to yourself in the morning. I always tell myself, "Success comes easy to me. I'm focused. I have clarity & energy in everything that I do." 
• Personality doesn't mean anything at all to me, personally. I've always believed that nice people finish last. Why do you think that nice people always complain about being treated like shit, & why do you wonder why mean people get everything that they want, even if they don't deserve it? People are shitty towards nice people because they're too soft, & they always allow it. You'll never win with that nice personality of yours. 
• I don't ask for things. I demand things. I have the kind of self-confidence that gets me anything & everything that I want. 
• I briefly discussed this following memory on twitter. I dated a nurse once. We had to end things because our age gap was too wide, & we just had different mile-stones. Now that I'm over 21, it's okay, but at the time, I wasn't even 21 yet. I was 19. Age isn't really a problem for most people if you're over 21, but when you're under, you can't even go out to drink legally yet, so of course you're still viewed as really young. Anyway, I loved him, & he loved me. When we had to let each other go, it wasn't bitter at all, but I was still devastated, but I used those emotions to my advantage. My friend, Kim, told me, "Usually, when people go through painful break-ups, they're miserable. They want to hurt themselves in some way, whether it's physically damaging their body hoeing around to fill some void, etc. They don't love themselves, but you, you used all of that to go even harder." When he & I let each other go, I did go harder. I worked out even more than I already was, & I picked up more units during my semesters in school. I was taking 21+ units each semester. My logic was that if I finished school faster & if I became a nurse faster, then we could be together because at the time, I was still in my first couple of years in college, & he was in his last semester of already finishing college & preparing to take the NCLEX / his board exam to be a nurse. When you occupy yourself in dark situations, then you think about it less, & then, you reach a point where you forget about it, & you don't even want it anymore because you got over it during the process. Years passed, & I recently stumbled across his Instagram, & now, he's with someone who's so much better for him, & I'm just so happy for him. All of that time spent going hard just made me an even better version of myself, & that obviously really built my confidence because I just made myself successful faster. You can still build confidence from dark situations. 

I have many other ways on how I gained my ego & confidence, but some things just have to stay as secrets. It's my Coca-Cola recipe. <3 If you don't figure it out on your own, then you never will; however, this should be enough to help you out in some way. Do keep in mind that when you do build your ego & your confidence, it's a drug, & let me just reassure you that no matter what anyone says, it's okay to be overly conceited, egotistical, confident, etc. I'd rather be that than overly insecure with extremely low self-esteem. I'll die passing that advice on if it's the last thing that I do. With my level of confidence, no one can touch me. 

Another thought before the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show: Love & admire yourself before wishing to be someone else. Don't take your jealousy & insecurity out on other people, including on me! 

Thanks to everyone who's told me that my ego & my confidence inspires them. 

xoxo,
​Camille 

I started keeping a dream log to record all of my dreams, which are usually dark, weird, & / or bad. It's me. Go figure. Some of them are pretty interesting though. I'm not sure what they mean sometimes, but if I ever want to go back to them, I can just refer back to this post. I'll be adding to this post often. 

• I have this reoccurring dream where I'm in love with this guy, but my dream won't let me see his face. For example, I'll be at a coffee shop, & I'll recognize the back of his head, & I'll see him sitting down, & just when I'm about to go up to him, he gets up & leaves the coffee shop. In another dream, I saw him on a bart platform waiting for one to arrive, & right when I was walking up to him, one came, the doors opened, & he stepped into it, & it left.
• I have another reoccurring dream, & I've had it ever since I was a kid. It's not bad, but it's also not good. It makes me nervous, & it gets my heart going. I can't believe that up until now, I still have it once in a blue moon. I don't want to describe it & / or talk about it because every time I do, I end up getting it that night.  
• My first sleep paralysis experience occurred when I was visiting my family back in Stockton for a weekend. I slept in my old room, & I woke up, but I couldn't move. You know how it goes. A hand was covering my eyes, & I can see through their fingers, but I couldn't move & / or turn my head to see whose hand it was. I can just see my ceiling. at my parents' house, my old room is downstairs, & everyone else's room is upstairs. I hear someone come downstairs, & I tried to yell out, "MOM!!!", but I couldn't open my mouth, & when I was able to, no sound came out. After a few minutes, I finally broke out of it, but when I tried to go back to sleep, the hand / fingers slowly moved on top of my eyes to cover them again until I was frozen, & all I could see was part of the ceiling through the cracks of their fingers again, & then, it started over again. 
• In my second sleep paralysis experience, I closed my eyes, & I don't know why, but I guess, I was playing "Bloody Mary" by myself. I said her name three times, & I kept my eyes closed, & I thought, don't open your eyes because if you do, she's going to be there. After some time, the time was getting too long, & I started itching to open my eyes, & I couldn't help it. I opened my eyes, & I was right. I couldn't move, & guess who was there... 
• I just recently had my third sleep paralysis experience. I kind of knew that it was going to happen. I was half-awake, & you know how when it's quiet, you can hear like the equivalent to a light bulb "buzzing"? Like, white noise? I was hearing it, & then, all of a sudden, it stopped, & my world went dead silent. I couldn't move, so I immediately knew what it was. I saw a dark figure in the corner of my room from the peripheral of my eye, but I couldn't turn my head. I even tried to yell again just like in my first experience, but nothing came out of my mouth. I remember reading somewhere that in order to try coming out of sleep paralysis, you have to try moving some part of your body, & then the ret of your body may or may not follow. Luckily, it worked. I started moving my finger, even though it was a struggle, & it spread, & I was able to move more, & I came out of it, & I didn't go back to sleep because I was scared. 
• I had an entire week / seven days full of bad dreams once. I had a dream about the grudge on the first night. I lived in a mansion, & I had kids. I was in the kitchen, & glass plates started to fly around & hit the walls by themselves. Then, the grudge was standing in the door-way, & she stabbed me in the shoulder with a knife. She leaves, & I lay on the kitchen floor. I can hear all of my kids screaming upstairs. On another day during the week, I had a bad dream that I was working in an office, & I had paper cuts all over my hands, even on the webs of my fingers. It really stung, & it wouldn't stop. I just kept getting more & more on my hands. On the last night of the week, I had another dream, only this time, it wasn't bad. It was weird & strange, but it wasn't bad. I was sitting home alone, & I got a phone call. It was my dead uncle, my mom's dead brother. He just asked me if I was okay, & I replied, "Yeah...? Why wouldn't I be?" When I tell this story, people always tell me that it's such a coincidence that I would get that dream at the very end of the week, after everything that I had gone through, at least in my dreams. It's like as if he was watching over me & just making sure that I was okay having gone through such a rough week through my dreams. 
• I had a dream that I was walking in the woods, & I found an ice cream shack, & the lights were on inside. I walked in, & there was a dentist's chair in the middle of it. I sat down, & clowns did dental work on me. 
• When my mom was pregnant with me, she said that I came to her in a dream & said, "I wanna be named, "Camille"'. 
• I often still have dreams about chem, anatomy, physiology, micro-bio, etc. School really took over my life, especially math & science. 
• I heard that dreams of having your teeth fall out were very common, but I've only had that dream once. I read that it means that you're stressed the fuck out, lol. 
• I lost something before, & then, I had a dream that I found it somewhere. When I woke up, I looked in the same place that I found it in my dream, & it was there. 
• I went to sleep with my scrubs & jacket hanging from one of my hooks once, & in the dark, its' silhouette kinda' looked like a hooded figure, & I had a dream that, that's what it actually was. 
• I read that when you lucid dream & you look in the mirror in your dream, you can't see yourself. 
  
• My most recent dreams have been consisting of events that have already happened in real life the week of, except for in my dreams, the events end differently than they did in real life. Am I visiting parallel universes in my dreams? Lol. 

xoxo,
Camille 

xoxo, 
​Camille 

Happy Valentine's Day! I'm sure that you & yours are enjoying today in some romantic way together. This year, I'm spending it with the same guy since the summer of 2014, & I wouldn't wanna be with anyone else. I'm sure you're all wondering what we did this year, but this post is for all of the single girls who are probably hating today because they're all alone. 

Falling in love with myself & giving myself power & confidence is the best gift that I’ve ever given myself because it made my life so much easier, from being comfortable with myself, to not letting others’ opinions & / or words bother me because my over-the-top ego & high self-esteem won’t allow me to because I’ll always think that I’m better, to not having to be like those embarrassing, insecure psycho girlfriends worrying about where my man is, what he’s doing, & who he’s with every second of every day, etc. My point is, being confident can help you in almost every situation possible, & this Valentine’s Day, you don’t need a lover. Love yourself.

People always ask me where I get my confidence, & I’ve had a variety of inspirations, but my favorite one is a fictional character named Blair Waldorf from a TV show called, "Gossip Girl". It’s silly, but it’s completely true. I grew up watching that TV show for six years, & Blair has never failed me, & I’ve molded myself to be exactly like her through all the years of my adolescent youth. I’m convinced that anyone that can’t be exactly like Blair Waldorf can’t survive. She’s beautiful, smart, manipulative, confident, fashionable, & she’s a mean bitch. In one episode, she ran into her best friend’s boyfriend’s social-climbing little sister, Jenny Humphrey, in the bathroom who was having guy trouble, & Blair said, “Anne Boleyn fell in love, & she got her head chopped off. As a result, her daughter, Elizabeth, vowed to never marry a man. Instead, she fell in love with power, & she married her country.” So if you're not sharing Valentine's Day with a lover this year, then it’s okay. Don’t keep your mind set on boys. Keep your mind focused on school, money, power, goals, & working on a better you. Don’t let a broke boy break your heart. Just get naked, set a rose bath, light some candles, shop online, wear some lace from For Love & Lemons, eat dessert, & play some Amy Winehouse. 

xoxo,
​Camille